Thursday, August 11th 2005

9:02 PM

"VENGEANCE IS MINE," SAYETH ALL CANADA

The brutally shocking on-air murder in New York City of a true Canadian icon must not go unpunished, no matter how long it takes to bring the psychotic killer to justice.

The mills of the gods may grind slowly...but they grind true. And believe me, the heartless, rotten bastard who did it can run...but he can't hide from this entire nation's outrage.

We will not rest until we avenge this cold-blooded murder. We will root the killer out. And as God Almighty is our witness we will show no mercy, offer no quarter, take no prisoners.

The killer will be taken to his place of execution where he will be tied to corn stalks, harvested with a kick-ass-big John frickin' Deere corn harvester, then ground up into tiny bits and turned into clean-burning, environmentally-friendly, Canadian-made ethanol.

Then...and only then...will the murder truly be avenged.

Now, while I look for another box of Kleenex, Toronto Star writer Vinay Menon can give you all the sordid details of Corn Cob Bob's tragic demise....

Corn Cob Bob just before his murder

Corn Cob Bob is having a brutal summer.

On July 1, the mascot for this country's ethanol industry was banned from Canada Day celebrations in Ottawa. A couple of days ago, he was summarily executed after comedian Rob Corddry led him into the woods and shot a bullet into his corncob headpiece.

But we're jumping ahead.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart scours the news for ridiculous items to lampoon. Last month, they found a Canadian story so preposterous, it warranted a cross-border investigation.

It seems the National Capital Commission, bowing to pressure from sponsor Shell Canada, banned Corn Cob Bob from participating in Canada Day festivities inside Ottawa's Major Hill's Park.

Soon after, Kory Teneycke, executive director of the Canadian Renewable Fuels Association (CRFA) — and creator of Corn Cob Bob — received a call from Daily Show producers.

Corddry, a "correspondent," was coming to Toronto to film a segment on the controversy. The piece, titled "Kernel Knowledge," aired Tuesday and started with this deadpan introduction: "Ethanol, the non-Middle Eastern fuel made from corn..."

It quickly degenerated into absurd satire as Corddry probed Teneycke about renewable fuel sources, global warming, Canada Day, and, well, the group's insensitivities toward their own grinning mascot — "You son of a bitch! He's not some circus freak for you to parade around in some carnival!"

But unlike many of the unwitting stooges who get "interviewed," convinced the Daily Show is real, Teneycke was keenly aware of the rules of engagement.

He is, after all, a loyal viewer.

"There's really no downside in going on the show for a group like us," Teneycke told me yesterday. "We felt like what probably made the story interesting for them was not making fun of us as much as the absurdity of the event — Corn Cob Bob being banned."

So Teneycke dutifully assumed a credulous posture.

"(Corddry) comes up with some crazy questions," he says. "He asks silly questions and you answer them like they're serious questions. It's the classic comedy tag-team where there has to be a straight man and a funny man. And the interviewee is the straight man."

By playing along, Teneycke turned the tables on the show and ended up getting some free publicity for the CRFA, a non-profit organization founded in 1994 to promote the use of renewable fuels. (Just before I called, he was on the phone with the Financial Times of London.)

"It's an opportunity to get a message out about ethanol to an audience that never will read the Report on Business or the business section of the Star or the Wall Street Journal," he says.

"It's a silly format, it's a bit of fun, but there is still a message in there. That's what makes the Daily Show interesting."

Still, sitting down with his wife to watch Tuesday's show, Teneycke was suitably anxious. Material was shot for three days — in Toronto, Ottawa and New York — and could be edited to create any number of storylines.

"In the end, I think they were quite kind," he says. "There were some questions that were really out there and could have been more embarrassing."

As with all Daily Show segments, the story needed somebody to articulate the counterpoint.

The Globe and Mail's Eric Reguly, who has treated the ethanol industry to withering skepticism, was called upon.

"Ethanol is a total fraud," Reguly declared, matter-of-factly. "I don't see any environmental benefit for ethanol. I mean, it's made from corn. You're burning food to make a fuel."

To which Corddry replied: "Turning food into fuel. That's like what my tummy does."

If Reguly didn't know he was on a comedy show, he did then. Or, perhaps later, when Corddry brought Corn Cob Bob to the columnist's office for a make-up hug that never materialized.

"Oh Christ," Reguly sighed, when told about the mascot's arrival.

"It was quite difficult for the Daily Show to find somebody to play that role, the naysayer," says Teneycke. "I suggested Eric because he's written some things that are on the other side."

The segment ended with Corddry declaring, "This world was never going to treat Corn Cob Bob fairly. I wanted to show him a better place."

From there, the mascot was taken into a forest (it was actually Central Park). Corddry told Corn Cob Bob — wearing blue overalls, green shirt, and farmer's hat — to kneel down.

He then fired a single, kernel-splattering round.

It was a surreal American end to a surreal Canadian controversy.