Unlike the bullies we're up against in the North American Free Trade league, Team Canada's played by the rules. And we won. But Team USA just thumbed their noses. Refused to accept the loss. Walked off with the goddamn puck, too.

Payback's gonna be a bitch.

And if Team Canada's General Manager, Paul Martin, isn't up to laying a little hard lumber on Dubya, I say we find somebody else who is...like former GM Brian "The Hammer" Mulroney.

Christ, he's the guy who got us into the league in the first place back in '88.

If he could schmooze a dunce like Reagan, Dubya should be a pushover. Afterall, Dubya's entire presidency is based on one single principle: "Keep it Stupid, Simple."

Mulroney's still well liked within Dubya's inner circles, and the old Irishman, despite recent health problems, still packs a certain charm and authority with US news media.

I would have suggested another kick-ass negotiator, Don Cherry, old Loud, Proud 'n Obnoxious himself - but damn...all-out war isn't exactly what I had in mind - just a good ol' fashioned ass-whuppin'.

Considering we're already tooling up for the Big One against Denmark over that frozen fly speck, Hans Island, and our lads are badly overstretched in Afghanistan as well, a simple hockey brawl is about all we can really handle right now.

You see, Dubya and his big bullyboys just plain underestimate Canada's willingness to drop the gloves and go toe-to-toe over softwood.

Call it an intelligence failure. Or a big flaw in their scouting reports. But they just figure we're not good to go. However, they've overlooked one important fact - the recent Hockey Lockout.

Just beneath our meek exteriors, Canadians are seething with months and months of pent-up emotions because we've been hockeyless, therefore unable to cut loose, blow off steam. And just like a boiling pressure cooker, we could blow sky high any minute. Especially if the assholes running CBC force us to endure another season without hockey.

Because of this, right now Canada could be a major global flashpoint. Yeppers...all hell could break loose Dubya, so you better hide the womenfolk and chillen, batten the hatches, and ready the fallout shelters - Canada's Pissed Off And We Bloody Well Ain't Gonna Take No More Bullyin' 'er Bullshit.

Either you accept the NAFTA ruling and return the $5 Billion in illegal and unfair duties you collected on our softwood exports, or we start turning off the oil taps and electricity switches, and start slapping our own duties on your Florida orange juice, California wines, and rot-gut liquor imports.

If you want Canada to be America's gas station and lumber yard, then pony up with the FIVE-Bill, and start playing the game by the rules.

Hell, even the conservative Wall Street Journal backed Team Canada on the lumber tariffs decision, and suggested Dubya should have used the committee's ruling "as a graceful exit" from the tariffs fight.

But no, sore loser Dubya's still smarting from the drubbing, and sulking in his White House dressingroom.

Well, the good news is the West's still alienated because everything got sidetracked by America's new ambassador to Canada, David Wilkins, who mouthed off and scolded the Martin government - and Canadians - for getting too emotional over the softwood issue, instead of returning to the negotiating table.

Incensed by Wilkin's attitude as much as by his comments, politicians on all sides have been ratcheting up threats of trade retaliation against the US, much to the delight of reporters and editorial writers, tired of the summer news doldrums - and Karla Homolka Exposed tales ad nauseum.

However, the PM promises he'll raise the thorny issue with Dubya "at a convenient time".

Personally, I figure there's no time like the right-bloody-now-time, Paul...remember, our big war with Denmark's going to require a lot of your time...so strike Dubya while the iron's still molten, and settle the goddamn thing once and for all.

Meanwhile, Martin's too busy cautioning against the rising tide of Anti-American sentiment and increasing talk of trade retaliation among many of his own MPs, and Canadian voters alike. Nevertheless, if the issue's left simmering too long, it's bound to boil over. It could polarize voters, as well as those within the Liberal party's Big Tent who harbor competing ideologies.

Writes Susan Delacourt of The Toronto Star's Ottawa Bureau: Under this (Liberal) big tent, there are the so-called "business Liberals," seen as more friendly to the Americans, and "left Liberals," the people drawn to the party for its embrace of diversity, tolerance, social spending and, yes, a healthy suspicion of the American way of life.

The "left" streak shows up, cynics say, around election time, when Liberals pull out the old tactic of running from the left and governing from the right. Thanks to the precarious state of this minority government and Martin's vow to hold an election in the coming year, the Liberals are in a perpetual state of election readiness. Hence, it could be argued that, for political reasons, the anti-American streak is being allowed to peek out a little more from government than it normally would.

At their election-preparation session at caucus this week, campaign chief David Herle told Liberal MPs that hopes of a majority rested partly on drawing away 5 to 6 per cent of the NDP vote. New Democrat voters, notoriously anti-American and currently highly opposed to George Bush's administration, may need a little reassurance from these Liberals that they share those views to a degree.

So what that means is that no one should be surprised to see Martin's Liberal party flexing a little anti-American muscle in the weeks and months ahead. They've done it on health care, they'll do it on guns and gay rights and trade — anything to tap into the vein of Canadianism that identifies this country by how not-American it is.

Oh, and that guy the Liberals seem to have forgotten? A Conservative politician who goes by the name of Harper? Watch for Martin and his Liberals to suddenly remember his name in this political context, as a politician who'd be far too cosy with the U.S. and its values — all those things that have Martin's Liberals suddenly talking as if public enemy number one at the moment is the United States.

And to those voices asking, "So what's free trade really done for us lately, and why should we care about softwood bloody lumber anyway?", Canadian writer Rondi Adamson says: Canada would be shooting itself in the foot to react by abrogating its free trade agreements...they are highly beneficial and have led to economic growth and increased prosperity.

According to International Trade Canada, "Since NAFTA came into force, the Canadian economy has grown by an average of 3.6 per cent annually, keeping Canada in the lead among the G7 countries." Canadian productivity has risen by nearly 25 per cent since free trade's inception.

As part of the world's largest trade bloc, we are a part of a free trade area that represents a third of the world's gross domestic product and our exports to the U.S. and Mexico have grown in value by more than 100 per cent. Since NAFTA, Canadian exports to the U.S. have nearly tripled.

And we registered an all-time high merchandise trade surplus with the U.S. last year. According to Agriculture and Agri-Food Canada, "Canada's agriculture and agri-food industry is largely export oriented and has benefited from the increased access to U.S. and Mexican markets." Since 1994, our agricultural exports to the U.S. and Mexico have increased by 95 per cent.

So...despite the fact we're stuck hard and fast between a spruce stump and a Texas Bush on the softwood controversy, it looks like free trade's been damn good for us and to us. However, getting back to hockey analogies...we just gotta take Dubya's number...and for now, at least, payback can wait.